One Possible Future for Ted Haggard

Hi everyone, I am sorry I have not been writing much on the blog recently but I have recently got married to another t-girl and she has been keeping me busy, along with all of the other responsibilities in my life. But now, I am back to writing posts semi-regularly as I would like and today, I am going to talk about our favourite gay Christian, Ted Haggard. While he is not as weird as many other Christians, he is still to this day denying the hard evidence that he is, in fact, gay and not straight. So, as a result, we see his life fall apart at the slightest mention of his gay affair with Mike Jones, the gay prostitute that he hired. Never mind the fact that he bought cocaine during his gay sex sessions with his gay prostitute (I wonder, if I use the word gay around the phrase Ted Haggard enough times, will Google associate the two?), Ted was just looking for someone of his own sex to love. And because of the fact that the Christian church fucks people up in the head all for the sake of making sure every last square inch of the Vatican is gilded (yes, that is the intent of the church, to look out for the best interests of – the church and the church alone), Ted likely did not know what to do in this instance. So, he is trapped, he is scared and he is not coming out of the closet. That is so lame, isn’t it?

Anyone if not everyone in the LGBT community here in Colorado knows full well of the scandal of Ted Haggard, who was formerly the minister of the New Life Church, an evangelical church where for a few hours a day, people from all around could come and bask in Ted’s fabulous glow. You know, it’s kind of like that after-sex glow you get, so maybe he had Mike backstage ready for him to suck off like the little bitch that he is. Anywho though, everything was going well for this closeted hypocritical pastor until Mike Jones said to himself “hey, I can make some money off of this cheap evangelical bastard” and told us all the truth about Pastor Haggard. And since then, the New Life Church and Ted have never been the same again, because now, they are fodder for all of our laughter and enjoyment. You can decry the ethics of Mike Jones, who exposed this evangelical minister for what he truly is, a closeted gay man who is afraid to come out into the open, but personally, I think he laid out the ground work for Ted to come out and be honest with himself and the world about who he really is. I do not think we will ever get Ted to be honest with the world about the nature of the cosmos and to tell us that yes, Jesus is a myth, but at the very least, he can be honest about being gay. Ted, your life is not working out for you and you are living a life of misery where everything that you are is hated by those around you. Some life.

So, what do I recommend that Ted Haggard do to get some sort of future back? Well, I would recommend that Rev. Haggard come out of the closet and admit to the world that he is, in fact, gay. Just because the world is watching you under a microscope, especially your wife and children, does not mean that you cannot come out. Shit Ted, everyone knows you are gay already, so why not just come out and be proud of who you are – instead of being the repressed, lying sack of crap that you teach other gay Christians to be. You are not doing Gayle and your children any favours by continuing to pretend to be straight, as all you are doing is instilling homophobia in their hearts, which frankly was a contributing factor for this situation. You need to be honest with yourself and find yourself a good man, surely there are a few around Denver? Please tell me that you lived in Colorado for it’s natural beauty and not the fact that all of the other hatemongering groups seem to set up shop there.

So, what about a career choice for Mr. Haggard? Well, nothing SCREAMS the perfect job for ol’ Teddy like a job as a reverend of the Metropolitan Community Church. Why not, since it has so many benefits that could help Mr. Haggard out in his new life? First off, he would be able to find another gay man that faps off to Jesus and all of the feminine images of him that seem to circulate around. Secondly, he can continue to preach his message of fire and rhinestone since the MCC is an evangelical church. Thirdly, he can be out, open and doing the only thing he is really qualified for other than day labour or a stuffy office job, lying to people about the cosmos and plugging his ears at opposition wailing “That’s not true”. Hell, that is what he did as a fundamentalcase Xian anyways, so why should be expect any different from him when he is barely, if at all, supporting the LGBT community as a MCC minister.

You could live a very happy life and you could find an honest, loving partner who will stay with you and be your closest confidante, Mr. Haggard. Sure, you may have made life a lot harder for us in the LGBT community since you were a televangelist and Xian minister of some repute before your gay affair with a gay prostitute, but there is no reason why we would not forgive you. And yes, you are a pretty handsome guy, Mr. Haggard, especially for a queer guy. You could move down here to Denver in Capitol Hill, flag for men and I’m pretty sure that my little twink roommate will start following you all the way down to Queen Soopers. It is very possible for you to find a permanent partner, Ted, even though you have maligned and trashed many people in the gay community. We do not hold grudges, we will remember what you have done to us but a public apology (since you attract the media so well) and community service should start to improve your image in the community. So, think of it this way, Teddy, you could start to hear people say this about you, “Yeah, he was a worthless lying scumbag preaching the gospel of intolerance and self loathing down in Colorado Springs. But you know what? He finally came clean with us and he’s now an honest bloke living with his partner over near cheesman park”. Well, you COULD be honest if you put down the Jesus bong, but this could be your life, Ted.

But that is not the future you wish to choose for yourself, is it Mr. Haggard? No, you choose a future in which you are surrounded by people who hate you for who you love. You choose a future in which you have to apologize to these people for expressing your love for another man, albeit in a totally dysfunctional way, when in reality, they should be apologizing to you for their homophobia and prejudices. They may not have directly affected you, but they contributed to the general homophobia of the Christian church. I doubt that it is very likely that you are going to be able to come to your senses and realize that Christianity is an outright lie created by ignorant old men with ignorant bronze age beliefs. This is why you are trapped in a loveless marriage with a wife who is about to publish a book about why she stayed with you when it is clear why she stayed with you. You are a media whore that your wife can pluck a couple of dollars out of your g-string before the divorce starts to process. After the book’s sales taper off, of course. To each their own, I guess, but it seems like such a sad sordid life to me.

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Tags: Christianity, gay christian, gay man, happy ending, homosexual, lies, mike jones, prostitution, Ted Haggard