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Nil illegitimi carborundum : Don’t let the bastards grind you down
10/07/09
Tomorrow: Meeting Up With My Ex, Matt
Today, out of the blue and with a little bit of inspiration, I decided to attempt to phone my ex-boyfriend, Matt and I admit, I was shocked by the response – I did not get the answering machine this time around. I actually got his mum to pick up the phone and one thing led to another, we are meeting on campus at 1pm tomorrow. When I got off the phone, my wife was quite perturbation about it, concerned why I decided to contact my ex. Basically, I want to meet him simply for a few reasons, the first and most pressing is the fact that I want to find a guy like him but I do not know why I am so attracted to him. The second reason is to work my way towards getting some closure about what happened between us. Another reason is exploring the possibility of a future with him and at the very least, to have him as a friend.
Matt and I had an interesting first date, we met up at the Tattered Cover bookstore on Colfax, then we went to the American Library Association conference at the Denver Convention Centre and after that, watched the movie Frost/Nixon. We did not get to see the whole movie since I was so into him and wanted him then and there. So, we went down to a hotel on Colfax and made love and it was absolutely magical. We had a lot of fun together until he stopped showing up one day. Eventually, I got him on the phone and he broke up with me then and there. I spent most of my evenings for a month crying over the loss because I was so very into him.
Matt was the kind of guy I really, truly wanted and actually still is. Although I am married to my wonderful wife, Samara, we are polyamorous and I have decided that I truly, romantically need a man in my life. However, the problem is making sure that the relationship is more “I need you because I love you” rather than “I love you because I need you”. I think that a man like Matt would definitely earn my love rather than just the need for a man would. I do not know how I feel about Matt and whether or not I would want him back as a romantic partner again but if not, at the very least, I want someone like him. Someone who I can feel free to be myself around.
When Matt and I broke up, I do not know why but I distinctly remember hearing that he did not want to see me. I spent quite a while crying over this and he really did a number on my heart. I even remembered him and wept while I was at my mentor’s house in Indiana recovering from my surgery. This is probably because I do not have closure about what happened between us and while I do have a few theories (of which, I will not state solely for the fact that I do not wish to humiliate him). I have closure about a number of my past relationships – Dominic, for example, broke up with me because he was not over his ex girlfriend who broke up with him for transitioning. Almost each and every one of my former relationships (Meredith, Mariah, Erica, Dominic, Terry, Natalie, Jori and Willow) were broken up with some level of closure and I do not feel bad about these relationships, at that level. However, my relationship with Matt still haunts me and I fear that this is the reason – because I do not have closure.
As for my feelings about him, to be perfectly honest, I personally do not know how I feel about him. Even though he broke up with me and broke my heart into a thousand little pieces, he is a good guy and I am certain that he had his own reasons. We had a lot of fun together and I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. I do not know if we have a future and I do not know if I want a future with him as a romantic partner, but I think at the very least, I would like to be friends with him. I am kinda anti-social and would like to at least have a few friends, and I am not going to discriminate against those who have spent naked time with me. Plus, he was an awesome guy and I think that we can continue to have much fun together, in spite of the past. What is past is past, I need to learn to live in the here and now anyway.
Regardless of how things ended, he did teach me a valuable lesson, namely to stop getting immediately attached to people. I set too many expectations on people, try to make them “special” and expecting them to fulfill my deepest desires. However, I just need to let go of these expectations and truly see these people for who they are, not what I want out of them. That may very well have been what my problem with Matt was, I was picturing our wedding on our first day together and for my relationship with him, it only grew stronger each day I knew him. However, I guess I was not present when I was with him and this has been a problem with me for many years. I need to learn to let go of my expectations and enjoy the people in my life for who they are. Right now.
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Tags: Auraria, Auraria Campus, break ups, breakups, Craigslist, ex, ex-boyfriend, exboyfriend, exes, Friends, heartache, love, Metro State College of Denver, MSCD, online dating, relationships, school
Please allow me to quote you, Jessica: "he did teach me a valuable lesson, namely to stop getting immediately attached to people." ROFL! Ummmm need I remind you that we were MARRIED in less than 18 HOURS of meeting each other!?! So….hmmmm you learned to not get "immediately attached to people"? I really must BEG TO DIFFER!
Hey Jessica,
I know how you feel. I have a few people that I still deeply love and I have that problem with getting instantly attached. I Hope you the best on his one, I know your heart will point you in the right direction.
Hugs
Wendy
"I Hope you the best on his one, I know your heart will point you in the right direction."…wendy, what are you trying to nonchalantly imply here? Seriously! then the "hugs"….jesus fucking christ are you seriously that deranged that your sister or I would not figure that out?! Do you not get it? or is it you simply enjoy instigating?
Samara, maybe for once you can act like you don't know me. I'm sorry to point it out to you but you don't know me. So why don't you get out of my business. I did not post this on your blog. I am trying to be nice and you are just going to act like you no matter what.
Wend, how about I continue to treat you how you have treated me….quid pro que maybe? It would seem this page actually is none of your business, seems to me it is mine and your sisters….unless you want to start sleeping with your own sister. So to clear your comment up why dont you stay out of my business?
Also wendy ya I do know you…..vicariously which from what you have shown me, what I know about you is the TRUTH! Matter of fact you are just pissy that I refuse to take down my post about you… http://www.samarasideways.me/2009/09/fuck-you-wendy-korleski/
Your even more pissed that MediaTemple told you to get lost and take it up with ME to remove the post! Go check I put up the E-mail from them!
Wendy, GROW UP and get the fuck over it!
Also wendy ya I do know you…..vicariously which from what you have shown me, what I know about you is the TRUTH! Matter of fact you are just pissy that I refuse to take down my post about you… http://www.samarasideways.me/2009/09/fuck-you-wen...
Your even more pissed that MediaTemple told you to get lost and take it up with ME to remove the post! Go check I put up the E-mail from them!
Wendy, GROW UP and get the fuck over it!
Well actually if you are mad about me "being in your business" then you should take that up with Jessica. You know this is a public forum that anyone can see and comment on. So the me staying out of your business thing won't help if Jessica puts up posts that pertain to you so it seems to me that I can comment if I want to since it is public.
Also, have you tried to call and talk to me like a civil person? Or actually for that matter have you emailed me something that is not an attack to get this whole thing resolved. I mean that is what normal people that have problems do…
You know, I really don't care that you put up the email from that. I understand that you need filler for your website to make it look better so I don't really care.
And on that foot I don't think I am the one that needs to grow up since I wrote that blog message to my sister and you intercepted it, got offended and wrote a hate blog. You are just acting like a five year old child when they don't get there way and throw a tantrum. So maybe you should grow up…
Well Wendy, while this is a public forum of sorts, this is not truly a public forum. It is a forum I created, maintain and have paid for. I do impose certain censorship styles in order to protect my visitors and myself. I have written a comment policy which helps to keep the discussion civil and I can delete any comment which violates this policy. http://www.theadminzone.com/forums/articles.php?d...
I understand that Jessica. I was just trying to be nice and Samara jumped all over me. I really do want to be good sisters and get along
Wendy, I in no way "and you intercepted it, got offended and wrote a hate blog". I wrote my post based on your history, and the comment your sister deleted for other reasons. You simply cannot deal with my tactics, as they are far from how you are used to dealing with your sister. I actually am quite enjoying making your life hell!
You give me joy, as I will in no way act on an intellectual level to scum like yourself. I am doing all I can to get your name with my post high up in google ranking. Do you actually realize what simply ONE posting can do to your chosen career? Do you realize your one comment could in the end haunt you for your entire life….this is the internet if you do not get it, and the more you and your facebook friends look at it, the more I post the link to, the more I update it, the more I put it out on the web, the more likely it is to haunt you for the remainder of your life…just like you haunt your sister….and you want to be a senator?! http://www.samarasideways.me/2009/09/fuck-you-wen... So please Wendy Korleski, keep commenting….help me to ruin your chosen career! I told you to back off, you do not listen…typical republican thinking they are better than everyone else! Shame on you, wendy!
To Wendy: http://www.samarasideways.me/2009/10/update-fuck-...
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