Sometimes, I wonder what authority I really had to tell people that it was important to forgive the attacker. I mean, it is true that the attacker committed a horribly heinous crime and he got what he deserved, but some people need a little bit more time to grieve. And I believe that the appropriate approach to deal with when I deal with this tragedy or tragedies like this from now on is to meet people where they are at in their pain. I borrow this saying from Arthur Jeon and his book, City Dharma. Basically, the story that he tells in his book to illustrate this concept is one where he is waiting in line at the bank and he sees an old man who is angry as hell, for what reason no one really knows. Arthur tries to offer to help him, with an agenda in mind (to relieve this person’s suffering) and approaches him with this agenda and offers to help him. What happens is that old man tries to splash hot coffee into his face and Arthur immediately backs down. The bank manager comes onto the scene and offers to help him with his problem, meeting him where he is at in the moment. She does have an agenda in mind, but she tries to meet him at the moment.
We have a lot of UUs that are going to be impacted by what happened in Tennessee. We have people who are in their district who went to YRUU camps with their children. People who know these people from General Assembly. People in the churches around town who knew the good people of the Unitarian Universalist church and knew the victims on a deeper level. These people will have grief beyond what we as a community connected through the UUA and through the net can ever have. These people have interacted with one another on a very regular basis and they had people attached to them. This congregation probably reached out to every other congregation from coast to coast. But none will be touched and hurt by this more than the families and friends of the people in the congregation, as well as the congregation itself. We should not pretend to have any more concern than shock and awe, because these people are living out their pain and hopefully, will heal from it very soon.
My point is that before you offer advice, think about it. Is it really appropriate for you to do so? Do you know what you are talking about? Can you defend your advice should the person become instantly angry or hurt at what you have just said? Have you used the same advice for yourself when a family member or loved one had suffered a violent attack? Think about all of these questions before you act.
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