Accountability in Our Wrongdoings

Today, I had attempted to scam an innocent man out of something that he legitimately purchased from me online and he called me on it. We had a long discussion and at first, I was just trying to figure out how to resolve it so as to make this go away, as he had threatened to contact the President of Naropa and utilize the Colorado Judicial system against me for my actions. However, he brought up my old name and it woke me up to a broader reality because I had then realized that I am slowly starting to slip back into the unethical behaviour that I had performed in my old, male life. Then, in that moment, I had felt the need to change and to do so, regardless of what happens and we started talking about this issue and he suggested that I write him a letter in the form of a blog post and send it to him, privately, via e-mail. However, I cannot do just that because it is way too easy for me to slip back into my old behaviour. Instead, I must write this publicly, to talk about how I am going to work towards changing my behaviour to become a more honest person so that I can truly work on changing my life.

So, how did this all occur and why? Simply put, I did not seek out help either from my Sangha nor a therapist and this has caused me to act and behave badly. All logical transsexuals know that the same issues in transition that you come with, stick with you unless you do something about it and this is often why psychotherapy is required before genital reassignment surgery is sought out. Transition was right for me because even though my issues are serious, I still needed to transition and even as a child of 6 and a teen of 15, I knew this to be true. However, I ignored my issues shielding them from me using the triumphs in my transition, thinking I have overcome them. The truth is, I did not overcome them, they weakened as a result of less stress of living a lie but they were still there and they exercised themselves in minor ways. However, I left these issues unchecked for far too long and I need to work on them to bring me back to doing the correct thing. Not only do I need to make amends but I need to do the correct thing and try to address this issue and a few others in my life as seriously as possible.

The story of Angulimala comes to mind and in many ways, I feel as though this story is appropriate given how I have acted. He was told to kill 1,000 people and take their fingers as a gift to the instructor he was studying under and started behaving senselessly turning to madness at fulfilling his master’s request but to a larger extent, giving into his destructive impulses. But the story of Angulimala also shows the aptitude for change, because when he was approached by his mother once it was known that the King would start looking for him to murder him, he was confronted by the Buddha. He was confronted by the Buddha with his actions and knowing what he did was wrong, he made his effort to change. This does not mean everything was forgiven because he had changed, even when he started the monastic life to help other people reform their lives using the dhamma, he was being pelted with rocks and other objects every time he went into the village. No matter what I do, I will still be held accountable for my actions and I am grateful for that, for it will help me to become a much more honourable person as a result.

One thing that I am is a compulsive liar and I am very ashamed of this trait in me but as if yet, have done nothing to truly resolve this issue in my life. Sometimes, I feel as though it is coming out like running water but once I caught myself doing this, I made no effort to correct myself. This needs to change as well, because not only do I need to be held accountable for this issue but I need to be held accountable for dishonesty in general since this is a serious problem I need to solve in my life. I feel as though because I allowed myself to lie to people that I subconsciously did not think twice about violating the social contract and trying to con that man. In order to bring this very serious, pyramid-sized problem out of my life, I first need to work at the base of it all. I also need to be honest and open with my sangha so that I can truly get the support I need from them regarding this issue. I should use my transition to be a period of transformation and what better way to do it then to start living a life of honesty and openness in the here and now?

I uphold honesty as a virtue and the Buddhist scriptures as a goal for myself to abide by and one of the five precepts is not to take what is not offered to you. I had lied to this man and attempted to scam him out of his money and I will not deny this for one very important reason. I really do need to change my behaviour and to realize my Buddhanature fully because I cannot truly enjoy my life knowing that I still have the capacity to harm others. I will never become a Buddhist nun, I cannot even follow the ten precepts because that would mean leaving so many of the western comforts I am used to, like having a bed. However, most Buddhists are of the consensus that the five precepts are good to follow for anyone and are challenge enough. I will work towards bringing my actions back into line with the five precepts and the eightfold path. This is something I will struggle with but regardless, I need to pursue this as an honest undertaking in order to truly affect change in my life.

Furthermore, I intend to seek out the wisdom and help of my professors and fellow students at Naropa, along with my sangha that lies elsewhere, including my readership. I want everyone to hold me accountable and ask me how I am doing with this issue often so that I can truly heal. I remember talking with a few smokers and they said that what really helped them in their path was to have people say things like “how are you doing with your smoking?” and giving positive, affirming advice no matter what. I intend to make an appointment either during or after the orientation to talk with the president of Naropa, Dr. Stuart Lord, about this serious issue so that he can provide advice and assistance with my path. I will also seek out the help of my advisor on this issue so that I can truly work on changing my life. When I enter in this community and someone asks me “How are you doing today?” I think instead of saying “Great” or “Fine”, I will reflect for a moment and think about how I am doing in my ethical reconstruction. I will likely say things like “Well, I have not lied to nor deceived anyone today” or if I have, “I lied to someone today but I corrected myself immediately and apologized”. I must hold myself to a much higher level of honesty and discipline simply so I can truly rid myself of my own issues. I have been accepted to Naropa for the contributions they feel I can make towards their community and I had better start living a life of recovery to show an example of how to resist the urge to be dishonest and rid it from our lives.

When we do something wrong, we can recriminate ourselves for what we have done but that will get us nowhere. Rather, we should face what we have done wrong, own it and work towards making sure that we do not perform these actions again and I fully intend to do this in my life. We should work towards honouring the social contract and being more genuine in our lives and with others in our lives about how we are working on these issues that we really need to take care of. We need to make amends for what we have done and turn our life from making karmaic offenses against others to working on making merit. He asked me how it is that we (not him or I, but we) can stop this from ever happening again and I think that I can only live by example and admit to my wrongdoing, as well as to talk about what I am doing and what I have done to recover and reform my life. This is the only way for our world and ourselves to heal. We are so focused on forgiveness but that’s not important, what we need instead is a second chance to prove our honesty and that we can rise above our actions and make amends for them. I will still pay the price for what I have done, either a few days from now or years from now but I will feel the ripple waves of my karmaic violation come back to me regardless.

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Tags: accountability, Buddha, Buddhadharma, Buddhanature, dharma, dishonesty, ethics, honesty, Naropa, sangha