The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

I have a horrible habit that I am trying to break - you listening? It’s something that really messes with my personal life and with the lives of the people that I know, trust and possibly even love. I mentally plan my own wedding on a regular basis. In and of itself, this is not a bad thing, if I actually had a partner to get married to and a wedding already scheduled. But the sad thing is that I have neither. So, why is it that I am in this habit of taking people that I meet and visualize myself spending the rest of my life with them and mentally debating whether or not to have the service at First Unitarian or First Universalist? And why is it that this is a problem for both me and the people that I care about?

There is a term that I will be using throughout the body of this post. The paramita are the practices of perfection in Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism. It’s a common sense way to improve your life without the mention or need of a god or gods. And since I am an atheist, I am trying to derive a lot of my self improvement from Buddhist ideals. The term, maitri, is a Buddhist idea of loving kindness, or love without attachment. This is a love that is worth cultivating and the love that I want to teach myself to cultivate in my day to day life. Another term I will be using throughout this post is Kshanti and it’s another of the paramita and it has been translated as patience, forbearance and forgiveness.

The first problem with this idea is the fact that I don’t even know the people that I thrust into the daydreams of matrimony. Hell, just yesterday and the day before, I was imagining getting married to some girl that I met on the light rail platform at Auraria Station. And the problem is I don’t know her! I cannot say for certain whether or not I am in love with her. Sure, I find her physically attractive and I find her, from first impressions, to be a nice and cool person. But how much do I really know about this person? We haven’t even hung out anywhere, so how could I have the authority to say that I love this person? I think what I am really in love with, is the idea of being in a committed relationship. The idea of not being alone in this world. And that is probably the biggest reason why I have these day dreams of being married.

How is being single a problem? Everything has it’s benefits and drawbacks. Being single does have it’s benefits, but it also has it’s drawbacks and these are even more apparent when you are going through something serious and utterly life changing alone (such as transition), without anyone there to support you or be with you during your time of need. I plan to travel to Thailand for my surgery, alone. And this thought does not scare me despite the fact that vaginoplasty is one of the most invasive surgeries one can have done and is certainly something that I would like to have company for. Especially considering that I am going to be ostensibly alone for a few weeks in an unfamiliar country and I don’t speak the language. But I have steeled myself for this reality. Having said that, I would like to say that it scares me profoundly to think that I will never have a girlfriend or a partner of any kind.

Given the fact that I have been largely abandoned and forsaken by a number of my friends from my past, it’s all too logical why I would want someone who is also seeking a life-long commitment. Having absolutely little familial support and being the only person that is in my family in Colorado is a scary feeling. I mean, at the same time, it is liberating not being anywhere near my mother or psychotic transphobic father. But I would like to start my own family within a few years and I’d like to find a partner to do so with. And yes, I would like to find someone who wants a long term commitment as well.

I have also been engaged twice. I shit you not, when I was living as a male, I was engaged to another person twice throughout my short lifespan of twenty years (I came out as trans shortly after my 20th birthday). Was I completely enamored by these women? Yes, I was. Did I seriously want to marry them? Yes, I did. But did I really love them? Unlikely, and that’s the problem. I became too attached to the idea of spending my life with someone and this has ruined my chances of actually being with someone, because I was not living in the here and now, observing and enjoying the person for who they are, without a preconceived desire to possess or to control. In fact, I was horribly possessive as a partner and I figure that if I were to date someone right now, I would be horribly possessive because I have not learned how to truly love myself without exception. I have not truly learned the values of maitri and practiced them in my day to day life.

I was also possessive with people I just taken an interest in dating, and this became apparent when I moved to Calgary. I IM’d people all the time, even when they were at work. I called their phone excessively just to try to get to talk with them. And I even hung out at Alberta Bible College on days I did not have any coursework to do just so I could talk with the object of my affection. In doing these things, I became a stifling person and I ruined any chance of having a relationship with these people. I apologize profusely to all the people that I have hurt with my inability to love without possession and I hope that in time, their wounds from my irresponsible actions will heal.

The second problem with this ideology is that I am not willing to “just be friends” with someone that I am attracted to. No, my mentality is that if I am sexually or physically attracted with them, I should get them to be attracted to me and that I should not give up on this. This is a scary ideal to hold, considering the fact that involves the mental and emotional “possession” of another human being, against their (even if it is current) will. This is morally reprehensible and wrong and I should just learn to be content with the company I keep and to be honest with myself and everyone around me. This way, I can gather more friends, find more contentment and let my true nature of maitri flow freely.

The third problem is that I am not really ready for a committed relationship. In his book, Sex Love and Dharma, Arthur Jeon talks about how the “right person at the wrong time is the wrong person for now”. And this makes a lot of sense. I am just starting to learn how to be content with who I am. I am starting to love my body as the work of art it’s becoming. True, I do need Electrolysis, SRS, FFS and a whole lot of dieting and Bikram yoga to help sculpt and modify the body the way I want it to end up. But for now, it’s as beautiful as it can be in this time and in this moment. I need to realize that I am a beautiful child of nature and that I do not need a life partner to feel complete and content with my life.

I should draw my love for others from my daily action, giving love to everyone I encounter, with no exceptions. Love is not a noun but a verb that we can do no matter where we are on our path. True, it may be more difficult on some days to love, but it is easier on other days when we are learning true contentment with ourselves. I should not want to hoard love and keep it for myself, I should change my desire to that of giving out love for everyone to see and experience, no exceptions. I should make my actions in this life conscious and loving. I believe that while I am doing a better job at this each and every day, as a member of the human race, I need to improve on this.

The girl that I met at the light rail station is my new chance to practice maitri. Of course, the person on the computer next to me is another chance to practice maitri. Loving another person without an agenda or attachment is the greatest form of love imaginable. Loving someone enough to let them go on their way and spread their love to others is the greatest way to lose attachment to the object of your affection. And counseling and helping the person that you love to help them give love to all is the greatest form of compassion. Don’t just love, be love. This is advice that I soon hope to embody in my day to day life.