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Nil illegitimi carborundum : Don’t let the bastards grind you down
01/21/10
Why Being a Straight Transsexual Woman Sucks!
I am going to clarify right now that I do not think that being a transsexual woman in and of itself sucks because I am proud to be a transsexual woman. I am merely stating that it sucks to be a transsexual woman whom is attracted to men, basically a straight transsexual woman. I am going to advise you right now that no matter how much surgery you have or how well you have woodworked yourself, you cannot escape the fact that dating men as a transsexual woman sucks ass. It is simply a no win situation in which pretty much all parties involved get hurt and get hurt pretty badly, unless you find one of the few men who is actually interested in a real, serious relationship with a transsexual woman. And I will tell you from my own experiences that those men are few and far between (while there are lots of men that are willing and dedicated to be evil, selfish pricks), and while I have had the good fortune of finding one, we do not really have enough in common to feel comfortable with one another. And this is saddening to me since he is one of the few people who is actually enlightened and mature enough to want to seriously date a transsexual woman.
The primary reason why it sucks to be a straight transsexual women is simply the homophobia that most men in Western cultures seem to possess. They seem to either regard transsexual women as not-women or some odd curiousity that is not worthy of actually treating with respect that they would treat other women, women who were fortunate enough to actually have been been with the correct genitals the first time around. This essentially results in transmisogyny where they refuse to date transsexual women because of their history instead of seeing us for who we truly are. Even if they are acting on their own ignorance and choose not to date us because they do not know that much about us, that is still transmisogyny. We are constant victims of transmisogyny at the hands of men who either are actively hostile towards us or do not know enough about transsexual women to see us for who we truly are.
One thing that really sucks though is the misconception that we transition and go through all of the pain, loss and suffering that goes hand in hand with transition in a society influenced by evil Judeo-Christian beliefs, just for a sexual thrill. This is obviously not the case with a majority of transwomen and while there are a couple who are turned on by the process of feminization. The term for this phenomena is called autogynephilia and while it is mostly pseudoscience, I have actually met, in person, one autogynephile who fits the definition to a T (no pun intended). I will tell you right now though that most of us do not transition for a sexual thrill and it would be counterproductive to do so as transitioning will pretty much kill any sort of romantic life you have. It will also greatly reduce your chances of finding someone who wants to date you for who you are – and this fact is just simply uncool on so many different levels. I am going to make the statement now that transitioning solely out of a desire to “spice” up your sex life will RUIN most avenues that you have to romance and many of the procedures that go along with transition, such as effects from hormone replacement therapy and sex reassignment surgery ARE PERMANENT and WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE if you are not truly transsexual.
Even though being a straight transsexual woman is a litany of sadness and tears for which there can be little or no respite, I will have to say that it is definitely possible to enjoy life while you are searching for a guy. I am not saying that there is not sadness for us romantic t-girls who want to be held and caressed, far from it! But I will say that in this time, it is very important to work on your self-care and do a lot of things to show that you love yourself. One of my bigger problems is the fact that I have very little or no self-esteem and I need to learn to appreciate myself in order to at least retain some sort of semblance of sanity. Fortunately though, I am taking a few meditation classes at Naropa and a few other courses that shall help me to become a more well-rounded person, along with involvement in student groups at Naropa. In fact, ROOT is going to break my Rocky Mountain cherry by taking me up on a hiking trip just outside of Eldoora Mountain Resort and allowing me to hike all sorts of fun and exciting trails. I am also looking into getting involved with Student Government at Naropa and I am going to be attending a “retreat” at Naropa to represent the Undergraduate Off-Campus student at United Naropa. So, I am working on dealing with the fact that I am horribly and seemingly irrevocably single by working on improving myself and hopefully becoming a much more well-rounded and desirable person in the long run.
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Tags: Dating, life sucks, romance, straight transsexual woman, swt, transsexual dating, transsexual romance
It’s my experience that the challenge is being femme in relationship.
It’s femmes who work to understand and embrace the complex and nuanced, rather than just looking to get what they expect.
I was at a workshop where a man talked about the feminine as “passive.” Like all the femmes in the audience, I disagreed.
“I prefer to call the feminine ‘receptive’” I said.
It’s that openness of graciously receiving what is offered that marks femmes, and that makes them the bendy bits, the flexible ones in relationship, be that romantic relationships or family relationships or whatever. After all, femmes are the moms, and as moms we have to have some capacity to meet our children where they are and help them find language to connect themselves to the world.
To me, the hard bit in relationship is when you are femme and want to be in relationship with someone who is butch. To do that, you have to be able to give the butch partner what they expect, and then work from there, and for a queer person this is hard.
This pattern plays out in relationships with men, with women, with gays, with straights. It’s why drag queens usually have more luck finding partners when they look like the gay boys other gay men want, why transwomen find it easier to find a partner while acting butch in a lesbian relationship, why crossdressers hold onto the butch to keep women in their lives, and so on.
We femmes want some butch energy, but those butches don’t want to have to engage queerness or individuality. They want us to fill their fantasy, and when the edges of their own bisexuality shows, they usually blame their partners rather than facing themselves.
It’s really hard to find a good man who is ready to do his own work. “Men keep women like spiders keep aphids, to process their emotions for them,” said Audre Lorde.
But unless a man owns his own feelings, we always make them feel uncomfortable when they feel what is outside of their expectations.
And that’s why butch people are so damn hard to get past their own assumptions and into a shared and sexy reality.
Or at least that’s my experience.
Callie´s last blog ..<a href=\
I have two close Transgendered friends who think of themselves as straight. They always are miserable in dating men. The relationships are always shallow and sex is the only object as far as the men are concerned. They never want to get to know the person on the inside. Both of my friends are beautiful people but they both have developed that protective shield around them to protect them from men.
I totally understand why Transexual women develop relationships with other Transexual women in the end. They are on the same wave length ,so to speak, and think of themseles as equals with one another.
I think of myself as Bi and do not want to go through this constant struggle with men only relationships. The men we want to associate with want families and live in the suburbs. The American dream so to speak. We do not fit into that ideal and are delegated to relationships that are unstable unless we live with other girls who realize this is the way life is. For those of you who have found solid male relationships you are among the lucky few.
Yeah, but I tried a relationship with two other t-girls.
Meredith wanted to take it too slow and that made me really uncomfortable.
Samara wanted to take it too fast and turned me off of dating other t-women for at least 10 years and thousands of hours of therapy due to the traumatic nature of our relationship. That and the fact that I am straight is why I can’t date another t-girl or female, period. Trust me, I know that my life would be SO much easier if I were bi or lesbian but the sad truth is that I am not.
I remember couchsurfing (or futonsurfing, if you are obsessed with accuracy) in Houston with an acquaintance that I met when I lived there. I remember meeting her girlfriend who was also trans and this seemed like a very loving, copacetic relationship. I guess I was envious of Melissa and wanted to create that in my own life but picked possibly the worst possible partner to do so with.
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..Why Being a Straight Transsexual Woman Sucks!
[...] for their generosity for being so gracious to date me, a transsexual woman who has been cursed with the affliction of being heterosexual. Of course, I do not buy into this crap since I am actually looking for romance, I am not willing [...]
This page is the most intelligent item written about being transgendered EVER! I’m with a guy who is a total bottom closet trannie chaser. After his wife died (oh yes, they are ALL married, forget having any qualms about that if you want any companionship) and I moved in he totally lost all sexual interest in me and acts frigid. Then he revealed he’s ultra bottom! I just stay with him ’cause he has money and after dating for two years I have given up on the whole thing! And really just forget getting a job too, I’m passing and all, but crap where’s my work history/college history etc., just SICK of going over it with every stranger in a position of “authority”!
*sigh* I guess the only way I could ever hope to have a real relationship with a guy is to have someone who doesn’t really know become attracted to me to the point where when I do tell him – he won’t really give a damn.
I won’t tolerate a guy who is a stone bottom. I see that as an insult to my femininity, to be perfectly honest and I’ve worked too damn hard for any man to insult my femininity.
As for the education thing, I can’t relate to that because save for high school and *shudders* bible college, I do not have any higher education in that old name. I am getting my BA and my ND/MSOM (or MSAOM depending on which Naturopathic med school I get to go to) in my name and my identity and I do not have to worry too much about that old identity rearing it’s ugly head in my life.
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..Is It Really That Time?
I am a bisexual woman who has long been stunned by the courage of T-women to go through so much, simply to be one’s true Self. I was 17 the first time I met a T-woman (who identified as Lesbian) and have recently found out that my former brother-in-law–who I re-connected with a year ago– is transitioning.
One of the things that I think T-women are not prepared for is the reality of sexism tha they will face as women, that is obviously INTENSIFIED by homophobia and as this author put it so sharply, in her term “transmisogyny”. Part of what it feels like she’s describing is very very similar to what heterosexual and bisexual women face from many men—sexual objectificiation and selfishness, an interest ONLY in sexual exploitation but, no interest in actual relatinships. My own life has had variaitons on that theme, fist as a young woman, trying to be taken seriously by men in a THREE-DIMENSIONAL WAY (that is, NOT just as a “cute young thing to have sex iwth”) and also as a middle-aged woman who’s expoected to be grateful if a man offers me casual sex after ONE date–even a “dovvffee date”, because as I’ve heard more than one man say in recent years “We’re grown-ups. We don’t have to play games.” Games? I guess wanting to get to know someone and be known by them BEFORE sex is a “game”?
Finally, BRAVO for the ‘self care”and strengthening of your own self esteem that you are doing. That’s a BIG life lesson and inspiration for ALL women–not only T-women.
I would just like to say, as a man who has dated a transwoman before, that it can be a daunting process. I remember being scared and cowardly about it. I really liked this girl and I wanted so badly to be with her, but I was terrified at what my parents would think of me. I had introduced her to all my friends, but I stumbled over the “parent block”, which ultimately ended our relationship. I regret this to this day, as she was possibly the greatest, most beautiful, most intelligent girl I had/have ever met. My point: it is understandably difficult for a transwoman to come out to her significant others, as it can be an especially painful process if they don’t have the support. But often, transwomen don’t acknowledge that the men that date them sometimes have to go through similar struggles with their families and friends as well.
Excuses aside, I will forever include my mishandling of this relationship in my top-five fuck-ups of all time list.
Fortunately for me, I have since talked to my parents about how I felt about the girl, and about how I will likely date transwomen in the future, and they were very supportive and cool about it. If a man isn’t willing to be completely open about his desires and his relationships, then of course it will never work out and these men will lead unsatisfying and/or secret lives, damaging all involved
Firstly, I want to say that I’m glad to hear the male perspective and I do enjoy hearing from you and your opinions. While I do have to agree that there is a lot that a man has to go through when he dates a transsexual woman, most men lean towards and show a preference for cowardice. Until he faces that fear, acknowledges it and acts above the fear, he’s a coward and is not worthy of respect.
I’m glad to hear that you finally talked to your parents about your desire for transwomen and I am very glad that they were accepting. And I am so glad that you realized that you have to be honest and open about your desires and relationships. I hope that I can find a man that would be interested in having a real relationship with me. I’m looking for romance and marriage. I won’t accept anything less.
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..Less is More
Jessica… this blog post, and the comments, really make one think. I guess sexual orientation REALLY IS intrinsic to a person, and can’t be changed, which doesn’t mean someone automatically identifies with it. Kinda like having ugly ears, or something, I guess. To me, it sounds like you would love to be gay or bi if you could, probably even prefer it, but you just -are- straight. I find that sad. I wish people could change sexual orientation at will.
Interestingly though, before I made the decision to transition I felt I was bi, but now as a girl I find myself attracted pretty much exclusively to girls. (Though this might be partially motivated by a rather unpleasant experience with a guy.) I also get along (in a sexual/romantic sense) better with trans girls than with cis girls, because, you know.
Hi there,
As a post op transexual of 6 years experience and someone that passes well compared to my contempories but acknowledges that I still get read, I agree wholeheartedly with what you say in the above.
My advice to anyone thinking gender reassignment is the be all and end all it isn’t you live in a very narrow minded society in Britain, where your gender is the topic of conversation to the extend you are a freak show, where surgery can and does go wrong, where the best chances of having a life in stealth is as a school child transitioning or being a thai transexual at a very young age.
The reality is and many transexuals kid themselves about this, you cannot lie about your past, there are very few decent straight men out there that will not treat you as a freak if they find out the truth or decide you are an object of sexual abuse, something I personally won’t put my self through after everything I have been put through,
Your career suffers, you are treated as a second class citizen you have the rights of a female and yet you are worse than a genetic female, you pass but you are never the same as anyone else.
You are still male legally for police and tax and social security records despite gender recognition accreditiation and the harsh reality is the gender reassignment industry in britain is to exploit the vulnerablitiy of transexuals. You are a tranny, the police don’t take crime seriously against you yet will eagerly criminalise you even if you are the victim, your social mobility and wealth is downwards.
Be very strong and very brave – gender reassignment long term doesn’t work and I do not recommend it to anyone except the very very young and I mean 16 or less
@Jacqui B.: Well, I would have no problem being straight except for the fact that men suck. It could be said that women do suck a little as well (call it the human condition, if you must) but every time I’ve dated another woman, they have been a lot more participatory, a lot more kind and more willing to commit to a relationship.
@Gabby: Well, here in the United States, you can run the full gamut of legal changes at the federal level once you have SRS and in some states, you can get your ID documents changed as well. I know that I was able to get my Colorado ID changed prior to SRS. After SRS, you can change your Passport, SSA Numident data and in some states (California), you can change your birth certificate.
I don’t lie about my transsexuality, but there are some instances where it is not best to admit to it. An example would be that I intend to rush for sororities when I transfer schools and therefore, it would not be in my best interest to immediately divulge my transsexuality. However, after I have been offered a bid, then I would not be as guarded.
However, I’m generally honest about my transsexuality and you can even search my name and see this website, with my writings on the subject (yes, my name is Jessica Sideways).
Maybe it’s just the fact that I haven’t been in transition for too long (It’s been 2 years since I went full time and nearly a 1 year post-op) but I do have to say that I disagree. I mean, yes, we have extra burdens being TS women but I do not regret having transitioned and I did so at 20. I do not regret having had my operation and I believe that my life is exponentially better since I have transitioned.
However, I do have to echo the statement that no, you absolutely do not want to transition if you can avoid it. Transsexual transition is a serious undertaking and should not be undergone unless it’s absolutely fucking necessary and you’re absolutely sure about what you want to do. I was sure, to the point that I knew that I didn’t need therapy to confirm what I already knew. I ran down the international corridor at Tokyo-Narita on my way to Bangkok to have my SRS.
I do have to admit that one must be strong and very brave. That’s the only way you’re going to survive transition.
And being strong and brave is so hard…
Yes being strong and brave is so hard, being judged is worst of all by people who don’t know you.
I don’t regret what I did in hindsight after all I have been a post op of 6 years, but you do feel like a second class citizen I do in Britain. Despite the EC ruling on birth certificates here your social security records will remain in your original male gender even if you have a female birth certificate and any police records to get security clearance also remain in your male gender no matter you have a gender recognition certificate. I have recently had to fight a legal bid against the a police force in London, where I had been the victim of a transgender attack from neighbours originally back in 2004 and then following botched facial feminsation surgery with a Manchester Based surgeon who allegedly specialises in that sort of thing but made me look worse than I had been pre op. As a result of those assaults on me, I had counter allegations printed on my security clearance which destroyed my career. Eventually after a couple of years I got an amended clearance of that and now it has finally come off but the damage is done. You do have to be brave and strong, nowadays I look fine but you learn not to give in to all the horrible things people can and will say about transexuals and also it doesn’t help that internet is full of hate mongers and sexualisation of transexuals as being all sex workers and porn mad. We are human at the end of the day and not all of us sell sex for a living – I am an ordinary woman albeit a trans one
I am not ashamed of who or what I am but neither do I now feel the need to discuss my personal history or business with anyone or anyone. as it isn’t anyone else’s business bar my own
And as for men:
Well I have dated a few, and always used to feel that I was treated as a sexual object.
Some saw me as a free prostitute others a bit of a novelty so now I really don’t bother with men.
I have neither the time nor the indignity to allow men to use me. I am not so brave to charge for sex and am very ordinary looking in any case nor am I so brave, as brave as the transexuals that sell sex because they have too.
Men are nasty especially straight men, gay men hate me because I have betrayed the gender, straight men are usually shocked if I am honest. I once dated a guy in Brighton who insulted this transexual passing us when I went for a dirty weekend with him to Brighton.
I felt so annoyed but still shagged him anyway thinking well that a teach ya!
However, like i said no matter how good you think you are you can be read and at 5ft 7, and less than 10st 7 and a womens size 8 I do still get read
So if I find it hard to get a man and yes I do get depressed so will most transexuals only most are tough enough not to care but good luck the reality is sadly most men will not want a trans girlfriend that is 6ft 2 with a bulky face and is post op unless she is a chick with a dick – it’s sad but true pre op’s get men because they are treated as a sexual object, post op’s are men without their bits – that’s what I am used to hearing and it isn’t nice
PS you look good by the way,miracles might happen and you might find a man. As for me well I gave up hoping of a decent man long ago clearly Britain in my view treats transexuals as mentally ill deviants – sad but true so no hope for me to find a boyfriend well not one I would remotely find attractive and wealthy but I am 40 now so may be I expect too much ! Take Care Gxx
I’m a romantic and I’d really like to find a man who wants to date me. Either that or to become a lesbian (I’m putting more hope out for the latter, as the myth of the “good man” has no scientific basis than Nessie or Jesus). In some ways, I feel glad that my vagina closed up from lack of dilation simply because I worry that I would have given my first time to a man who doesn’t deserve it.
Fortunately, I have found a guy who does deserve it and even though we aren’t dating anymore, he has been nothing but kind to me and I think he deserves being my first (after all, once you get your SRS, you’re a virgin again! That’s how it works! ;-P). Hell, a couple of months ago, he helped me move up to Longmont.
Please tell me you found a creative way to tell him after you had sex with him. I usually like putting e-mails from creeps that respond to my Craigslist ads on my website, especially if they send pictures and their real name. It makes any GGs who they eventually con into dating them aware of who their date is once they decide to Google their potential date.
I’m jealous but that’s because I have quite a bit of padding on me. I’m only 5′ 8″ but I weigh 254 lbs and wear a size 16. I’d lose weight but since gaining this weight/coming back from Thailand (because before I had my SRS in July 2009, I was 190 lbs and a size 14), I have also developed much nicer breasts. I’m thinking of having a procedure done first to lipo some of the fat out of my tummy and implant it back into my breasts so I don’t lose that much in my weight loss efforts.
And thanks for the compliment, hun. You are very sweet to say that and I really do hope that I find a proper man. It might take becoming a University professor, hiring a bunch of grad students, teaming up with the people searching for the Kingdom of Shambhala or Atlantis and continuing the search for the fabled “Good man”.
I’m sorry to hear about your plight in Britain, hun. I cannot imagine what it must have been like spending at least 14 more years living the male lie. I probably would have eaten the Smith & Wesson that night when it came down to transition or die for me.
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..“It’s My Wedding And I’ll Walk How I Want To!”
I transitioned at 30 and also have an intersex condition though unspecified GID unspecified.
So when I was a he people would mistake me for a she so I really had no choice.
I look good, don’t get me wrong. I have dated lots of men and not told them what I am but I don’t like being dishonest perhaps I am too good for my own good
As for Britain, have you never heard of the power of karma, and that what goes around comes around. I have had a lot done to me but since 2007 Britain has been repaid 10 fold and it’s still continuing. I do believe that. Britain isn’t the open liberated country people make it out to be
The british people are hypocites and I hate Britain if I could leave I would know any wealthy foreign men. I at least look better and more sexier than most genetic women at 40. Good for you you found someone enjoy it while it lasts
Just because I’ve found someone to have sex with me once I have my vagina reopened does not mean that we can have a relationship together. We dated for a while and we both agreed that we’re not a good match for a romantic relationship but we can be friends.
Well that’s amicable – sadly I am pretty much someone you either love or hate – it’s pretty black and white with me.
I tried the friendship route, and usually find they try to play games with me – so don’t bother.
Still if I am honest men and getting a man, is the least of my problems at the current time.
Ps Sorry if I sound bitter and twisted I am not twisted but just a touch bitter.
Hope all goes well !
Jessica, I am very glad you found someone worthy, but if you ever consider changing your mind, you’re always welcome to join the Dark Side. We have cookies =P
all I want to do is find a ts lady I can fall in love with and spend the rest of my life making her happy. can anyone help me find her.
If you’re really interested in finding a TS lady, here are a few guidelines: Treat her as you would any other lady, realize that she will NOT top you and the porn industry has gotten that wrong so often and to be a gentleman. You can find a whole litany of articles for men interested in dating a TS woman at http://tsgirlfriend.com.
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..Don’t Remind Me
Well finding someone pete is a hard thing. I have yet to find a decent man, and certainly not one that I fancy in return and or one that can accept me as the woman that I am without struggling with who or what I was. It is very hard honestly.
If you live in the USA may be Jessica can point you in the right direction, in the UK I would suggest depending on what you want there are very limited options really. Sites are usually sex based and men usually want pre op’s or a transvestite, the dating pool drastically disappears for a post op transexual. In the UK you can try TS Dating, TV Chixs but be warned loads of weirdo’s, fantaisists and I usually find men on such sites lack any respect whatsoever for someone like me and are married or just plain nuts – so think I will stick to plenty of fish – even on there men are weird – so really I suppose I can’t suggest what you do but good luck regards
Necroing an old post, but I figured I’d weigh in.
It’s been a while since the coffee shop (or whatever it was) in Houston – we met at the center.
Not all trans/trans relationships are crazy – sometimes you meet someone absolutely incredible and amazing, who understands in a way nobody else would.
I’m sorry you ended up with all the drama.
As a mostly straight individual (in a lesbian relationship) – it’s interesting, as the physical attraction isn’t there as much as it would otherwise be, but the emotional ties are incredible.
I remember it as a small bar in Houston, but I could certainly be wrong and yes, I remember you and it’s nice to hear from you. ^_^
I agree that there are some truly beautiful trans/trans relationships out there, I remember that when I stayed with Melissa and her girlfriend down in Houston, that was the kind of relationship I wanted for myself. My problem is that I am straight. I really wish I weren’t but it’s true.
If you’re ever in Denver, hit me up, I’ll definitely treat you this time!
Jessica Sideways´s last blog ..I Can Has Canadian Citizenship Nao
Jessica,
I notice that one of my entries on here appeared on a forum and that people appear to think
a.) I am a dude, b.) Gabby of Colorado and c.) full of regrets about my transition
The Answer is I am none of these. I am a Gabby of the United Kingdom and have no relation to any Gabby in the States or Canada neither am I a dude as someone on that forum referred to me as and I certainly have no regrets about gender reassignment.
Thought I would make that clear
Best Wishes
One more thing,
My problems are quite common within the trans community so I was really surprised to hear that I am notorious within the trans community. Really. I don’t associate with anyone in the trans community and am more stable mentally than most trans men that sorry really do look like men compared to me – I wonder how many trans women of my age 40 can fit in to a size 8 European that is a 6 in the states for both top and bottom and at least I can buy normal women’s shoes and neither do I have a deep voice or a wig when I need to go out given I have my own hair.
You should not be allowing people to use your blog diary for character assassinations of people they don’t know at all on another forum. I know not to post on here again.