The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

Well, I think that my protests had an effect which is now quite bittersweet. My blog experienced quite a bit of traffic during the DNC but it’s starting to level off with the news posts starting to fall into the archives. I hear all sorts of things about myself, one of which is that like the Democratic Party, I am having an identity crisis. And you know what? Sometimes, they are absolutely right. I am having an identity crisis, but not of the kind people think. I have an identity crisis of being a transwoman in a largely male-oriented world. I am giving up the white male privilege that society affords people who don’t necessarily fall into a minority for a queer label and a community. I don’t really think of it as a privilege but considering that since I’ve transitioned, it’s been harder and harder to get a job with a fairly decent rate of pay, I can’t deny the fact that white straight male people have it much, much easier than females, someone in the LGBT community, someone in the communities of colour and other communities. But let’s talk about the identity crisis I am facing, eh?

Some say that my identity crisis is because I am transsexual, I say hardly. I have a female identity and a transwoman identity. It’s true that I will never have certain experiences like a “first period” (although Progesterone makes me feel a little weirder) or be able to get pregnant (seeing as I am a lesbian, that would take a bit of expensive work once I did decide to have children). But does this cause an identity crisis? In and of itself, no, not really. Except for the fact that I will be having to pay a hell of a lot of money to repair the facial damage that years of testosterone-influenced growth has performed, as well as the bottom surgery as well. But that’s just monetary and I feel that, in time, I can take this problem on. In fact, I think I could get the bottom surgery paid for by April or May of next year. And Facial Feminization Surgery could only take until 2012 or 2013. I just need to wait for hormones to do their stuff and (hopefully) mother nature will correct her mistake.

But an identity crisis is what I do have and I guess the main problem is with labels. And, no, I am not just talking (or bitching) about being incorrectly gendered over the phone due to problems with my voice. I am talking about the fact that I now have to deal with so many labels and I am working on acceptance of all of them. Transsexual, Atheist, Unitarian Universalist, Lesbian. I am proud to be all of these things and more. But sometimes, I just hit the wall and think “shit, I am a transsexual?”. But I know that eventually, these things will pass.

Another thing that could contribute to my crisis is the fact that I do not yet “pass” 100% of the time. I know that voice therapy, learning to do makeup and longer hair would definitely help with this, but to ensure that I am correctly gendered 100% of the time, I have to settle for nothing less than facial feminization surgery, which will happen in 2012 or 2013. But either way, I am growing acceptance for who I am and I don’t feel any shame in being full-time.

My identity crisis runs on the fact that I am single. And I somehow find this to be a bad thing. Why? Being single rocks! You can go where you want to go and do what you want to do. You don’t lose any of your freedom being single and in fact, you have more freedom. You can have casual sex if you want to (not currently my thing, but for some people, this is a good thing). You can cruise Craigslist once a day (if you are looking for a woman-seeking-woman connection) or several times a day (if you are looking for a man-seeking-man connection, I’ll explain this later on). You can hang out with friends, you don’t have to be accountable for anyone else and your apartment is yours and yours alone (unless you have roommates). So, what’s the problem?

The problem is that ultimately, you don’t have the connection that society sees as a necessary part of life. Partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands. Furthermore, being part of the LGBT community, I feel a little out of place being single. I really shouldn’t, because there are probably lots of single women in this town. And I should really learn to love myself for who I am and learn to just let people who I suddenly have a crush on be (or remain) “just friends”. I am not dating by choice, not that it wouldn’t make me happier, but I do feel that I am just not really ready for a relationship yet. I need to learn to get along on my own without a lover before I actually seek out a lover. Sounds odd, I know, but what part of me isn’t?

To wrap this up, one of the homophobic Christian protesters said “sorry, but the hands and the legs give you away.” Maybe they really do and maybe they really don’t, or won’t when I start passing better and hormones have a better influence (to change the structure of the legs, not the hands or the length of the legs). But many times, when you have everything done, these things can give people away. On a transsexual discussion board that I frequent, a transwoman who had everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) done and looked pretty damn well was outed due to her hands. And some man decided that it was somehow appropriate to grope her. Then he said “just gotta make sure you’re real”. Well, what the hell? Just because someone LOOKS transsexual somehow gives people the right to touch you in places that no one should ever touch you, or would ever touch you if you were in fact a genetic girl or guy, lucky enough to be born in the correct body. I do worry about this off and on, but I am not going to let this affect the way I live my life. I will continue to keep dancing, regardless of what happens, but I will be smart enough to take care of myself.

And yes, Mr. McCain, I do sincerely embrace it all, for it is all a life experience. Something that helps me to mature beyond my years.