The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

Dear God,

We have seriously got to sit down and discuss a few things. Like how you conned every one of your believers into thinking that this world is both perfect and the reason for all the WONDERFUL things you’ve created such as HIV, Cancer and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is not your fault, despite the fact that you created everything, it is their fault due to their inherent brokenness because they are inherently sinful. Of course, that is a fault of the manufacturer and a blatant display of immaturity. Like a father who can’t put a jungle gym together properly and blames the kids when the damned thing breaks down. Of course, he could have seen what he did wrong, or the fact that the swings are NOT supposed to go under the slide and fixed that, but he thought it was good the way it was and continued blaming the kids, refusing medical care to them or respite from their pain despite the fact that it was his own doing. You seriously goofed the floof on this one, God.

Also, it seems that your followers are some of the most small minded people you could possibly ever meet. They seem hell-bent on imposing their Jeebus-speak on the entire population and edicts from you upon people who don’t believe in you, and rightly so (but we’ll get into that later). They seem to be bent on trying to impose your sadistic and immoral law into a government that was intended to be secular. And yes, it was intended to be secular, let’s not kid ourselves. For just one point, the Treaty of Tripoli says so, and this was signed by John Adams. You seriously need to come to these people in a dream, a burning bus, a piece of toast, a stain on the side of a building or something like that to tell them that they are full of crap and their belief in you does not give them the right to act like bigoted fucktards. Seriously.

Furthermore, you seem to have no problem creating things that just make no sense. I mean, you set all these edicts on the separation of the “two genders”, male and female, but yet, you create transsexuals, intersexed people and people are just generally genderqueer. And furthermore, you create genitals in the transsexuals that cause them so much pain and hardship, that we have to pay exorbiant amounts of money to have them surgically altered because you couldn’t be bothered to do a proper job in the first place. And yet, because we are fixing the error that YOU created, we essentially haven’t had any reparation or repayment from you. I implore you God, if you were to fix the transsexuals that you created this way in the first place, you would get a lot more followers. But your teaching of gender duality sucks. Seriously, people are not either or. For an example, I know in my heart that I am female to the bone. But to deny the one part of me that does have masculinity in it would be a blatant lie.

Also, your followers seem to believe that you are a loving god and yet, you plan to torture all non-believers and people who commit just one sin and forget to repent for it, in hell for all eternity. This idea contradicts itself and I think it’s high time that you tell your followers which is which. Either you are a loving god, or you are an evil dictator. True, you can be loving to all the people who were able to check their minds at the door and bullshit themselves into believing in you, but you are still an evil dictator if you mandate torture and support it. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot - these men have NOTHING on you. I mean, you plan to put them all to shame by killing and torturing on a larger scale than these people could have ever done. And eternal torture concentration camps? Even Hitler could not invent such an idea and bring it into fruition. All he could do was enslave the Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals (among others) and enter them into forced labour, only to wind up killing them. And people thought HE was fucked up in the head, but they haven’t even been able to see what you are cooking up. Of course, you COULD save everyone, regardless. Maybe sad situations like this wouldn’t happen.

Finally, why did you create a world that contradicts every edict you have given? The world was supposed to be flat - so why did you make it round? Why did you create all sorts of wonderful creatures, such as bed bugs, mosquitoes and other such insects? Why do you send all sorts of natural disasters to hurt the people of the world, such as hurricanes, floods and forest fires? Seriously God, you also created a world that carbon dates to billions of worlds and the date you supposedly created this world is at the beginning of the Agricultural Era. Plus, why haven’t people been able to find the Tower of Babel? Or the Garden of Eden? Just out of curiousity, what the hell is going on up there in your head? I await your response.

Warmly,
Jessica