The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

I think it’s high time for some reflection on what it truly means to me, to be trans. Well, even though I have had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of highs and lows and I have won a lot of battles in my struggle to be me, I must admit that there are some problems in my life which are horribly difficult to contend with. I am now on my 10th month on hormones and my 5th month being full-time. With the exception of my voice, I have been told that I pass pretty well and I am certain that the more that I work on, the better things are going to get. So, let’s get this status report under way, eh?

1. I am NOT brave for doing this - If I have given the deception that doing this somehow makes you braver or stronger, you may be right on one end and wrong on another. I guess I am brave for actually confronting this, but I already have gone through the hardest emotional part of it for me - confronting the fact that I am trans. And you know what, it really doesn’t bother me anymore. What does bother me is the fact that I don’t have the money for the surgery, yet. I don’t know why I can’t seem to get up the money for the surgery, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will happen, for I am the goddess and my will will always be done. ^_^
2. I MAY NOT be lesbian - I don’t know about this one, but I have been falling hard for an old friend of mine, Sean Cooper. Couple that with the experiences I have had with Willow and I would have to say that honestly, I may very well honestly not be lesbian. I don’t know, to tell you the truth, but I will be sure to think on it, meditate on it and figure out what the hell is going on. Because even though I may not be a lesbian, I largely think that I am attracted to women. At best, I guess I am a pansexual with a stronger inclination towards other women.
3. I want and don’t want a lover - This is a big contradiction. I don’t want a lover right now because I believe that there are a lot of things that I need to work on in my love life and in myself. I would also like to have surgery and have the plans laid out for FFS before I start planning on dating someone. But I do want a lover to cuddle with me, to hold me, to be there for me and to be honest - to f*ck me. (hey, I haven’t had any for 5 months - what would you think?) I want the comfort of being in a couple, but I should get in my head that lovers aren’t permanent and that every relationship ends at one point or another, even in death.
4. I need therapy. - I am perfectly comfortable with my trans image, along with the requirement to lose weight, do voice training, learn about make up and movement, et cetra. But I feel that there are some things in life that I just need therapy to resolve. I am sorry, but I am not going to list them here. I feel that I must fight this battle with my therapist and my close circle of friends. I do need therapy and I believe honestly that I will benefit greatly from this, much as I will benefit greatly from every other aspect of transition.
5. I need to work on some things. - Voice, movement, hair removal, growing hair out, you know the routine. I have been told that I am a pretty passable woman and I like hearing this a lot. I have been hit on by a couple of men (and whose advances, I have rejected - except for one) and I am getting ma’amed more often than I was a few months ago. I am improving in my transition and I can’t wait until I become fully passable. ^_^
6. SRS isn’t going to change much, but I still want it. Badly. - I obsess over SRS, too much in fact. I know that except for my gender on my medical and legal documents, the feeling in my pants, usage of the bathroom and health concerns, surgery is not going to make me a “complete woman”, if I didn’t feel complete already. I feel like a woman, largely because I am and I know that no matter what surgery I have, nothing will automatically make me into any more/less of a woman than I already am. I know that deep down, I am a woman and deep down, I am doing the right thing. So, why doesn’t SRS take a back seat to electrolysis and FFS? Simple, I want to have a girlfriend and I don’t want to freak her out by being pre-op. I know that maybe I am being too hard on myself and every other pre-op girl out there, but I feel that there is just a lot of stigma attached to that area down there, and I see it as necessary to be corrected.

So, even though I don’t say that everything is rosy, everything is manageable and I am starting to live the kind of life I want. No white picket fences are in my future, but a rented room up near Boulder (somewhere like Broomfield or Westminster) is a high possibility.