Do you remember that fad with the bracelets that said “What Would Jesus Do?” Yes, looking back, even if I were a Christian today, I’d still think that those bracelets are a little kitsch. But hey, in Christianity, is anything sacred anymore and is anything in their religion free from being kitsch? But they got me to thinking “if people are so concerned about what Jesus would do… I could seriously give some pretty damn good advice on what Jessica Sideways would do…”. So, I have decided that it would be a pretty damn good idea to start an advice column asking what the LIVING Jessica Sideways would do. I can give advice that is not tainted with misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, heterosexism, infanticide and other such horrid things that God recommended. I am a saner more rational source to get advice from and I am offering it for free!
I mean, it seems like a pretty damn good idea! Jesus is outdated and lived approximately 2000 years ago. I, however, am still living and breathing and I can give modern-day advice to some of your most complicated questions. I mean, Ceaser has been dead for millenia, how could we possibly render unto Ceaser what is Ceaser’s? Shit, even Solomon who supposedly haed the “wisdom of God” was willing to slice a baby in half to prove a point. And Abraham was willing to kill his son to please this God. Call me crazy but anyone who is even suggesting murder of children is not someone who I’d want to take advice from. After all, according to the Christians, Jesus is God right?
Plus, I won’t get pissed if you don’t take my advice. I won’t torture you endlessly in a barbecue making you suffer unending pain and torment just because you didn’t listen to me. I am not that cruel nor sadistic. Rather, I have a genuine desire to help and I am willing to help anyone out with relevant advice in this modern day and age. If you don’t take my advice, that’s okay. Either way, I wish you the best of success, lots of luck and hopefully the results you seek. So, obviously I am more mature than Jesus as I won’t burn you unendingly and subject you to torture for not even believing in me.
In fact, you don’t even have to believe in me! You can just shoot off an e-mail and I will get to it as soon as I can. Usually, that’s about 3-4 days but hey, people don’t even get answers to prayers. At least I am willing to answer many questions that are asked of me. And this is all for free.
Would you like to participate in this series? Just shoot me an e-mail at this e-mail address (reCaptcha protected so I can avoid getting spam) and if selected, your answer will be posted on the blog in my new series - What Would Jessica Sideways Do?
