Now, as you know - I am a transsexual whose biggest ambitions in life are to transition and become a writer and a professor at a University. However, there is all the flotsam about self-esteem and appearance that really bothers me. And right now, the one thing I can do to improve my self-esteem and appearance is to lose weight. Since I weigh about 200 lbs and have a ‘beer belly’, this is something that needs to be improved. So, I am planning to start attending Bikram yoga courses and I have contacted the Bikram yoga college in Westminster. So far, it seems like the best deal in the Denver/Boulder corridor ($50 a month for the first month, $50 for the second month if you can make 25 courses in the first 30 days that you paid for and $130 thereafter).
When I phoned the Bikram Yoga college in Westminster, the guy who answered the phone told me that for the first few months, since I would be building muscle and that would be replacing fat. To be honest, this really didn’t bother me all that much seeing as my desire isn’t really to lose weight as much as I want to lose inches on my stomach. And hell, if it could help me lose the weight on my legs too, so much the better! I have a collection of skirts that I can’t get into just because my legs are too fucking fat. But I just want to lose weight so I can look better in what clothing I have because nearly all the dresses I have highlight my stomach, so this is a big fucking problem.
I have a lot of clothes that I want to be able to wear but can’t because I am just one size too large for it. So, my goal is to get rid of this ‘beer belly’ because I want to look more feminine and I want to actually stop looking like I could very well be pregnant, because I absolutely am not! In fact, my sister has often laughed at me because of this issue that I have and told me that I look pregnant. She may be quite hurtful, but she is right - I ultimately need to lose weight. But I guess the good news is that the weight was never evenly distributed so it’s just isolated in one area. That’s a good thing, right? All I need to do is lose inches in both my legs and waist and I will look better in clothes, and feel much better about myself. Woo hoo!
In addition, every article I have read about sex reassignment surgery recommends that I get involved in some active exercise before I even start Sex Reassignment Surgery because I would seriously be weakened when I get back from surgery and having a regular exercise activity really helps with recovery time. Plus, Bikram yoga is really demanding, as the entire 90-minute sessions of 26 asanas (or poses for those of you who know less about yoga than me) and 2 breathing exercises are done in 105-degree heat. So, yeah, I think it would essentially be like being in a Native American sweat lodge, and I would be detoxifying my body while helping to burn the fat I have on my body and exchange it for muscle. Given all the crap that I eat and drink, this is an absolute necessity and it would be a good idea to get on a pretty strong diet when I finally do start going to Bikram yoga. Finally start taking care of myself in the way that I was meant to.
Also, in my biological family, everyone but my little sister is fat. My father has a beer belly (but he actually drinks beer!) and my mother is as big as a house (okay, that’s an expression but you get the point). Since my birth family has been quite abusive to me, not just because of the fact of my non-belief in their imaginary god or my homosexuality/transsexuality. It is because of the fact that I differ from them in so many ways and it hurts them internally to see that they have been so wrong. I am anti-war, anti-violence, anti-murder and anti-genocide and my sister is planning to enter the US Military after graduation. Since I don’t follow rules without question or reason, my mother and my father dislike me for my questioning attitude towards their weird rules. And my father detests me because I refuse to fall into the same trap as him and do drugs/drink.
Finally, there is the concern of not having the money to do this. I have the idea in my head that if I had the money, I could do a hell of a lot more than I am doing right now. And while this holds true for the surgery, it would not hold well for the shit that I need to do that requires much effort on my part - namely the yoga. But, what is life without the trials and complicated shit? I mean, if it weren’t for my atheism, I would have never been freed from the bullshit claims of religion and be able to rediscover my transsexuality. So, I have to say that yoga is something that I have to do to awaken my deeper sense of self and live life as I should.
