The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

About a week ago, my sister phone me a few times and then hung up right when I picked up the phone. I did finally reach her and I asked her what’s up and then she decided to call me by that old male name. Anyone in this situation knows what happened next - click. My sister broke the first rule of respecting trans people and that is not to use the old name of the person, no matter where they are in transition. Seriously, this is not permissible in any situation and any transwoman or transman that tolerates this is being a lot more gracious and wonderful to you than I would be. And from many of the reactions I’ve gotten and agreements about this, I would have to say that I am not alone in this position, that a lot of transwomen are in agreement with me about this.

There are several reasons why you should not use the old name when talking to these people. The first of which is that they may still be forced to use it in official business, due to the lack of a legal name change process. Depending on where the transwoman is currently living, the ability to get one’s name changed ranges from mildly annoying and expensive to a complete and outright legal hassle. Here in Colorado, the name change process is horribly time consuming and it takes a lot of work to get done - a full background check from the Colorado Bureaux of Investigation and the FBI, a court order, publication in a newspaper and then a final court order after the publication is complete. In Indiana, the name change process is a bit easier, only requiring a publication, $130 in court fees and a short court appearance. In Texas, the process is so blown out of proportion that it takes special court processes and a miracle in the event that you get a homophobic judge hearing your case. And some states and territories have even more difficult and arduous processes which must be met in order to effect a legal name change. So, can I assume that you see why it is that a legal name change is a very hard step to perform?

And even still, there are more processes which must be performed to change identity cards and the information on these cards. I still don’t have all the information on my ID cards and documents corrected, as my birth certificate still reflects the old name and gender markers and the passport reflects the old name and gender markers (and it will have to remain that way until I get the surgery paid for and I can get a letter from Dr. Pichet that says I have surgery scheduled). But that does not make me any less than Jessica Sideways, because it is about who I am and that is the only reason why ANYONE should undergo this kind of transition. We risk personal comfort, family acceptance and professional success for a chance to get closer to our true nature as women. We lose the heterosexual male status that society seems to value so much for a queer identity, and the identity of a queer woman who crossed the perceived bridge between the genders. We become a minority almost overnight and if we don’t pass immediately, it’s just another thing that keeps us being recognized as someone who transgresses the “laws” of gender and thus, a deviant (to the unenlightened). So, many transsexuals work on trying to get everything perfect before going full time. I went full time but I have not even started laser hair removal nor electrolysis and I haven’t started voice therapy (although I will be starting it in the next couple of days).

But let’s also talk about the respect factor of it - we are no longer pretending to be male and we see our identities as, more or less, the opposite of what people seemed to perceive us as in our youth. Therefore, when you call us by our old name and use that old information, it can sincerely hurt us, not just personally but public usage of this information could also lead to harassment and an outing that some people do not want. Some women actually want to woodwork into their new lives and enjoy the fruits of transition in complete and total secrecy. This is okay, and these women should be allowed to live out the rest of their days with only a small circle of people walking away knowing what her old life was like. The last thing that these women need is some prejudiced person from their past trying to ruin their lives and their reputations. It would shame the family she has cultivated, because if she has married, I find it highly unlikely that she wouldn’t have told her husband/wife about it and asked them to keep quiet as well. I think that this would either turn this woman into an instant activist (best case scenario) or result in getting the hell out of dodge (worst case scenario).

While I do not think woodworking would be in my best interest, I would still be mortified beyond belief if I found that people started calling me by my old male name. After all, I personally moved all the way from the state I was living in, to a state where I have never lived before so that I could separate myself from that old male identity. It’s starting to work, as I have acheived a point where no one here knows my old male name and is unlikely to figure out any time soon. I only use my name change orders in an official capacity and the next time that is going to happen is when I get my passport changed (yeah, I haven’t even finished that yet). But either way, I don’t carry anything on me that would reveal anything from my past. And with a little more voice therapy and maybe a bit of image coaching, I will probably start passing very well. And fortunately, since my connection to my family is no longer valuable to me, since it would require self-denial and self-abuse, I would have to say that my transition is largely unhindered by familial concerns.

The personal reasons for it is that as transwomen and transmen respectively, we have to spend a lot of money and time to pass and to have the procedures we need. We are making large changes to the physique by genital and breast surgery, for those whom elect to do so, and as such, we have much of ourselves invested in our transition. To refer to us as male in any sense invalidates all of this hard work and makes us feel bad and want to know why it is that we are not passing like we should. It makes us feel trapped in a false identity that we are trying to move past and heal from. Naturally, it’s understandable that I would be offended if I were continuously called “a guy” or by that old name. It’s uncomfortable, hurtful and it shows (1) that we aren’t passing as female yet and we need to do more to pass as female or (2) your ignorance and bigotry in not getting it right. And this starts to alienate us from one another, so it’s a habit that you must kick as soon as possible. So, please be nice and start to learn the new name as soon as humanly possible, so that we don’t get mixed up.