Now, I do not know why the hell I am telling Christian musicians how to do their job or how to try to con people into believing in the holy spirit when the fact of the matter is that I believe that belief in the holy spirit is the one thing that has been fucking this country up for all these years. However, I am also a personal development coach so I have decided to write a little quick guide for Christian Rock musicians who would like to know how to get the crazier of the Christian evangelicals off their backs and go back to the business of selling records. Of course, keep in mind that the truly crazy will not stop writing their spiels about how Christian rock is really the tool of the devil and everyone is going to go to hell if they hear a note of Micheal W. Smith’s music or some garbage like that. The truly crazy (a/k/a Jack Chick crazy) will continue to display their complete want for intelligence and are the same people that protest against homosexuality or abortion on the streets here in Denver. There is no talking with them, their pastors out in the middle of Pissbucket, Colorado or whatever have already brainwashed them to the point where they can just say a few words and these people will believe it to be true. Of course, you can never say THAT to anyone in public (and you might want to restrict who you say it to in private as well, cause you really don’t need it to appear in the Enquirer and the Watchtower the next day). With that in mind, let’s get on our way, shall we?
First off, flashing the sign of the beast, bad idea if you want to present as a Christian rocker or musician. The reason why is that because you are on stage and in the public eye, psychotic old Christians with nothing better to do will lambast you on their websites and say that you are an example of how Christian rock doesn’t work and how it is really Satanism in disguise. Remember, your enemy is a bloc of people with nothing but free time on their hands, which they use to maintain their ugly-ass websites. Usually, little to no money is made from these sites, so you can bet your ass that these people actually believe their claptrap nonsense. These are the people who drive pick up trucks in the middle of fucking nowhere, in the heartland of America that have bumper stickers that read “If it ain’t King James, it ain’t the Bible”. These are people who also have issues with yoga just because it came from India and it was integrated with Hindu worship. They can’t see that it’s just a good workout and that it can help you lose weight and live a better life. But alas, this is your enemy and from looking at their opinions, you can obviously see that your enemy is batshit crazy.
Secondly, you might want to go low-key with the luxury things such as cool jewelery, lots of merchandise to sell and mentioning your new CD in between every song. I mean, yeah, you will get plenty of sales because you can herd these people like sheep, ESPECIALLY if you claim that the lord is speaking through you and that you feel his power. Statements like that will definitely ensure that the credit card machines never cool down during the concert. Remember, a few carefully placed subliminal messages and you can rake in a lot of money at these concerts, because Christians are pretty much blinded sheep and they will do anything that they feel “moved” to do by the Lord. And since you are his representative on centre stage right now, you can definitely use your influence to get $10 out of each and every person in the audience. But be sure and do this covertly and discreetly, otherwise our old, fat, balding friends will soon tell the world that you are peddling Satanic CDs and we don’t want any images painted that would be bad for business, now do we?
I would also like to add as a former Christian, no one really goes to these concerts to be convinced that Jeezus is real. Seriously, everyone at Festival con Dios or some crazy concert like that already believes in your god. They really don’t need to be convinced that there is a god and if you do something stupid to end your career like tell them the truth and say that there isn’t a god, I sincerely hope for your sake and safety that you have a back exit available. Remember, these people are docile while you are echoing the “message of Jesus” but if you dare question the validity of their god, you are pretty much Shit Outta Luck. Remember, a helicopter or an emergency escape vehicle are things that you should have ready and you should advise your staff what’s going on (in a very minimalist sense because they may very well turn on you as well) and get them to turn the car on for you so you can make a quick escape.
