The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

I would like to post a response to something I found on Facebook, the group description for a group called “MAN’S RULES”. You can find this group description in a blockquote (once you click “more” of course…) and my response to each point, below the blockquote, in order. This may very well be a joke, but there are some men who actually believe that they can still be chauvinistic cavemen. This absolutely disgusts me and makes me thankful that I am a lesbian.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note . . . these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon and the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtitle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 1 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, football , games, or motorcycles.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

• The purpose for numbering each point number 1: Can’t count? That’s what I see.
• The toilet seat: How about a compromise? How about returning it to the way you fucking found it? If you lifted the seat, lower it back down you ignoramus? Lazy bastard.
• Sunday = sports: This is why I am so glad that I am a lesbian. You know, you could spend a bit more time with your wife. If she enjoys football/sports as well then good for you! But if she doesn’t, why not spend one of your only days off, if not your only day off, on working on your relationship with your life.
• Shopping is not a sport: Two words for you, dumbfuck: Black friday. While you might not consider it a sport due to the fact that you can’t bet on it - how about the fact that it encourages exercise, quick thinking, searching for the perfect items and getting them past you. It could be a sport, but it is also a discipline
• Crying is blackmail: Any man who says this is a worthless son-of-a-bitch. Learn how to be a decent husband/boyfriend you fucking asshole!
• Ask for what you want: Since you are such a dumbfuck, I will be happy to educate you and explain this one to you. While you are watching your sports programme or whatever the fuck you are doing - we recognize one thing: YOU ARE NOT PAYING ANY FUCKING ATTENTION! If you want more information or direct information - ask us directly you dumbass!
• Yes and No answers: Hardly. If you don’t want to give us enough attention to answer our questions, don’t be crying when you start paying your fucking alimony after the women smart enough to divorce you finally do so.
• No sympathy: You know, if you are unwilling to give us sympathy during the marriage when we are hurting the most, our attorneys will not give you any sympathy during the divorce proceedings to make sure you are hurting the most.
• Statute of Limitations on what you say: If you can’t afford to say something that will be valid 6 months from now than don’t say it!
• Soap Opera Guys: We ask you to be nurturing and sweet, probably the way that you ‘acted’ before you conned us into a relationship with you. Don’t be surprised if we break up with you after this.
• Fat: Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU! How dare you say such a thing to another human being? Tell you what, if you get to say we are fat, I feel no sympathy for you when your girlfriend/wife tells you the truth about your manhood, or should I say, boyhood.
• If you meant the other one, than why did you say the offending one to begin with?
• Ask or Tell: Why not both? Some things we cannot do and we are asking for your help - don’t be a prick!
• Commercial breaks: How about giving us the attention we deserve, you dumb mother fucker?
• Directions: If you’ve passed the same fucking landmark for the 3rd time and it’s obvious that you don’t know where you are going - guess what? YOU DO NEED DIRECTIONS!!! And denying this makes you look like the dumbest motherfucker in the world.
• Colours: There are millions and millions of colours. And if you are using the 16 colour windows settings, you must be a dumb motherfucker with a terribly old computer. Upgrade to a Mac or at least upgrade your monitor.
• Itching and Scratching: That’s nasty!
• Nothing: You neglectful ass.
• Rhetorical Questions: We may very well have rhetorical questions when you refuse to answer any of our very real concerns/questions.
• What we are wearing: Yes, but we want the opinion of another person to make sure. Please, please give us this. Otherwise, you are just being neglectful and the relationship may just have to end.
• Topics willing to discuss: You know, people can be improved by taking a number of self-improvement courses or by joining book clubs. Try to be a more well-rounded person you stupid motherfucker.
• You have enough clothes: Bullshit.
• You have enough shoes: Again, bullshit. They don’t make many shoes for women with size 12Wide feet. Ass.
• Round is a shape: And you just may not be getting any tonight. Ever heard of bikram yoga, asshat? Try it sometime.
• On the couch?: Nah, I was thinking the lawn chair outside the apartment. In -5 degree Boulder, Colorado winter weather, with just a space heater. Enjoy, you ignorant motherfucker!

After reading this, I can’t say enough how happy I am to be a lesbian. However, I have to say that there are a few men that may very well genuinely care about their girlfriends and wives. Sadly though, these men are few and far between and there are too many men that are chauvinistic pigs. Men: Take some advice, women’s liberation is a great thing which frees us from your bullshit and inattentiveness. Society is evolving. Either evolve with it or get used to being dateless, you ignorant ass. Or you can probably marry a foreign girl who is looking for a green card. Maybe she’ll put up with your bullshit.