The Adventures of Jessica Sideways

This story is written for all the victims of the war of terror, both here and abroad. Not all Americans are like the psychopaths you have come to know.

You must think I am psycho to even write such a story, eh? Well, I hate to admit it but it is absolutely true. You can definitely murder innocent AND guilty people, torture countless others, get away with it and get all sorts of freebies like rides on RTD, college grants and insane bonuses. And what am I talking about? Well, I am talking about soldiers who work for the largest and most prevalent terrorist group in the world - the United States Armed Forces. Whether it be committing heinous acts of torture against Iraqi civilians or doing equally horrific things, the United States Armed Forces are the employer of choice for anyone who is seriously fucked up in the head. There are a number of people in the Armed Forces that are staunch Republicans and look up to their group leader, George W. Bush, with a reverence that allows them to be willing to die in a turf war.

When you sign up for the United States Armed Forces, you are first sent to a place called MEPS, which is generally in the capitol city of your state. You will take the Oath of Enlistment there and you will then wait to be shipped off to Basic Training. Basic Training is a slice of hell where you will be beat down into the dirt by sadistic mother-fuckers. And yes, later on in your military career, if you find this to be something that you would want to do because you are seriously fucked up in the head willing to help others, you can definitely become one of these sadistic mother-fuckers. Here at Basic, they teach you the skills to kill, kill, kill. Not that it takes much skill, mind you, but keep in mind that this military training is invaluable for the day when you snap at the post office and kill all your co-workers and everyone else in the post office.

Once on the field, you will be invited to join in the killing spree. If you see Iraqi children, torture them by dangling a bottle of water while driving away in a van. If you see a muslim, kill him with your gun before he detonates an IED, even if he is on YOUR side. And make sure that you kill every civilian in your sight. Remember, though, not to get recorded by your fellow murderers solders on video, though. It could prove to be very incriminating. Remember that as a member of this totally evil terrorist group, you are also encouraged (not publicly, of course) to rape as much as you’d like. Remember to spare no woman or child and live out the ideal that the majority of Americans follow a religion that advocates for behaviour that is as sick and twisted as yours.

When you come back home (IF you come back home, that is), you will be welcomed with Veteran’s Administration benefits, free rides on RTD (just show your military ID), all sorts of college grants, Veteran’s Preference in government jobs that will allow you to try to forget your bloody career and last but not least, all sorts of skills that today’s employers find invaluable. You know, like being able to beat an Iraqi prisoner of war with the blunt end of a machine gun. Of course, all of these benefits will be moot for your spouse, if your spouse is of the same-sex. But hey, we are talking about a terrorist group that tries to discourage atheists here - why would we want to be inclusive to the point where we would have to actually do something? So, if this sounds like your kind of career, please make sure to see your nearest recruiter for your chosen brand of the Armed Forces. And there are several kinds to choose from:

1. The Navy - This sea-based branch of the terrorist group is dedicated to making sure that the seas are safe from legitimate trade between countries that have an embargo with the US and other countries, as well as making sure that no one tries to nuke the United States from the sea by attacking fisherman’s boats. How lovely. It is also said that the navy has some pretty hot action going on between seamen at night. Yes, you will not want to go to shore when you meet all of your friendly, and I do mean friendly, fellow seamen.
2. The Army - Dedicated to their ugly-puke green uniforms, the US Army is the terrorist branch that deals mainly on the land. They have all sorts of weapons, such as tanks and machine guns, which they will readily give to any psychopath.
3. The Air Force - Look, it’s a bird! It’s a plane! Hey, that plane is dropping Agent Orange on us, AHHHHHHHH! It’s the US Air Force, the terrorist branch that specializes in raining death from above. The most famous slogan of the Air Force that still persists to this day? Kill them all and let god sort them out. Must be some sick god, maybe it’s Allah? I just dunno.
4. The Coast Guard - These Navy rejects patrol the sea to ensure that the barge full of inexpensive, socialized medicine does not make it to those evil third-world countries like Cuba, South Africa or even to the United States. The Coast Guard, like the Navy, has lots and lots of friendly seamen just waiting to meet you. You Navy rejects are all right!

So, if mass-murder and theft are right up your alley, do not practice them in your local neighbourhood where you could be arrested and treated like a criminal - with no benefits at all. Instead, join the United States Armed Forces, where you can act like a criminal but still be treated like a hero. After all, Uncle Sam wants you!