Now, I do not know why the hell I am telling Christian musicians how to do their job or how to try to con people into believing in the holy spirit when the fact of the matter is that I believe that belief in the holy spirit is the one thing that has been fucking this country up for all these years. However, I am also a personal development coach so I have decided to write a little quick guide for Christian Rock musicians who would like to know how to get the crazier of the Christian evangelicals off their backs and go back to the business of selling records. Of course, keep in mind that the truly crazy will not stop writing their spiels about how Christian rock is really the tool of the devil and everyone is going to go to hell if they hear a note of Micheal W. Smith’s music or some garbage like that. The truly crazy (a/k/a Jack Chick crazy) will continue to display their complete want for intelligence and are the same people that protest against homosexuality or abortion on the streets here in Denver. There is no talking with them, their pastors out in the middle of Pissbucket, Colorado or whatever have already brainwashed them to the point where they can just say a few words and these people will believe it to be true. Of course, you can never say THAT to anyone in public (and you might want to restrict who you say it to in private as well, cause you really don’t need it to appear in the Enquirer and the Watchtower the next day). With that in mind, let’s get on our way, shall we? Continue reading ‘Tips for Marketing Christian Musicians’
Archive for the 'Humour' Category
Nick Gisburne has really done it this time. He’s writing another book, and in my opinion, it’s about damn time! Blasphemy! The Musical, is a songbook with over 100 songs about religion and knowing Nick Gisburne, they are sure to rouse and offend the sensitive moronic little Christians in your neighbourhood. Therefore, it is highly advised that you purchase this book so that you can work on the common ministry to irritate and offend Christians (well, at least that’s MY ministry). And the best thing about this book is that, unlike the book the Atheists are Revolting, this book will contain all sorts of songs to memorize and use whenever necessary. Like on the bus, in the line at the supermarket, in church (lol) pretty much anywhere. Also, if you can trick an entire congregation into singing one of his songs as a hymn, you will go down in ex-Christian comedy history, much like the crazy Christian woman who mentioned something about a Holy Ghost enema. Continue reading ‘Blasphemy! The Musical’
Dear God,
We have seriously got to sit down and discuss a few things. Like how you conned every one of your believers into thinking that this world is both perfect and the reason for all the WONDERFUL things you’ve created such as HIV, Cancer and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is not your fault, despite the fact that you created everything, it is their fault due to their inherent brokenness because they are inherently sinful. Of course, that is a fault of the manufacturer and a blatant display of immaturity. Like a father who can’t put a jungle gym together properly and blames the kids when the damned thing breaks down. Of course, he could have seen what he did wrong, or the fact that the swings are NOT supposed to go under the slide and fixed that, but he thought it was good the way it was and continued blaming the kids, refusing medical care to them or respite from their pain despite the fact that it was his own doing. You seriously goofed the floof on this one, God. Continue reading ‘Dear God, We Seriously Need to Talk’
If you are an atheist and you want to have some fun with some church groups in your local area that put out a list for people who want to have a ride to church, you should check out this list of funny names to use for prank calling. Near where I live, there is usually a list put out for this place called “Faith Bible Chapel”. Now, while I have been kicked out of Faith Bible Chapel because I have no hope of EVER being brainwashed, I mean converted, back to Christianity, I can conduct my shenanigans elsewhere. Like phoning to schedule rides for people all around Denver and Lakewood. I can definitely have rides scheduled on every other street on Sheridan, with the guy waiting hopelessly, hoping he could brainwash one more moron to Christ. So, if you are an atheist and you want to piss off some religious assholes, I highly recommend this list. I have already copied off enough names to have fun for months to come!
This story is written for all the victims of the war of terror, both here and abroad. Not all Americans are like the psychopaths you have come to know.
You must think I am psycho to even write such a story, eh? Well, I hate to admit it but it is absolutely true. You can definitely murder innocent AND guilty people, torture countless others, get away with it and get all sorts of freebies like rides on RTD, college grants and insane bonuses. And what am I talking about? Well, I am talking about soldiers who work for the largest and most prevalent terrorist group in the world - the United States Armed Forces. Whether it be committing heinous acts of torture against Iraqi civilians or doing equally horrific things, the United States Armed Forces are the employer of choice for anyone who is seriously fucked up in the head. There are a number of people in the Armed Forces that are staunch Republicans and look up to their group leader, George W. Bush, with a reverence that allows them to be willing to die in a turf war. Continue reading ‘How to murder people, get away with it and get all sorts of freebies!’
So, just what the hell have I been smoking and who the fuck is Unitar, you might be asking? You are going to be amazed, but first I must ask you are you ready to hear about this amazing truth? Are you sure? Well, my friend - Unitar is the god that the Unitarian Universalists worship. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the UUA’s website? Still don’t believe me? Do a Google search for Unitar. I am certain that there are millions of sites that talk about the love and good will of Unitar. Continue reading ‘Praise be to Unitar!’
When I found the comic Cetic the other day, I found something for the people who believe in Intelligent Design. It’s a website called External Delivery and it rejects the idea of parentism, or the idea that parents are the ones who put the presents under the tree - not Santa Claus. Of course, we all know that this is false and we all know that Santa brings the presents that we see under the tree on Christmas day, not parents. So, please, check out the website that I mentioned above - External Delivery and click below to read the rest of this post. Ho ho ho. Continue reading ‘Something for all those Intelligent Design people’
I would like to post a response to something I found on Facebook, the group description for a group called “MAN’S RULES”. You can find this group description in a blockquote (once you click “more” of course…) and my response to each point, below the blockquote, in order. This may very well be a joke, but there are some men who actually believe that they can still be chauvinistic cavemen. This absolutely disgusts me and makes me thankful that I am a lesbian. Continue reading ‘A Response to “Man’s Rules”, a group on Facebook’